I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
