Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
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I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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