all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
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If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
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I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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