Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
