bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
