This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
