last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
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My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
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I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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