I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
