You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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