Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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