maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
