I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
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