need another drink. this is the easiest way
someone threw a dead crab at me
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
