Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
they're like a gay fantastic four
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
