i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
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You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
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i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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