The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
