i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
i think i just lost a toe
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
