the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
