And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
