i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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