Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
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does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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