I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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