Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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