just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
