Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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