I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
i think im in europe. pls send help
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.