i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
