When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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