You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
