he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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