i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
