he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
