Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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