Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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