I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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