yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
