Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
