That reminds me...we need to get swords
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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