i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
