Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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