i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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