Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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