broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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