you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
