In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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