you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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