I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
