I met the friendliest cop last night
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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