am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
