True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
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I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
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If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize