He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
