So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
