I murdered the dance floor call the cops
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
