I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
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So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
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Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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