Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
