My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
