If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
21 Times Karma Showed These People Not to Mess Around
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream