I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
