filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You have to summon your inner elephant
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
