dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
